Retro Blogs from 2008 – Defending my Singlehood

Posted: September 2, 2011 in African American Stories and Viewpoints, Decision Factors, Editorial

I have compiled a joint blog from the previous stories from my MySpace page about several reasons why I am making my statements of being single. Keep in mind that this was in 2008, and I was just having the benefit of the doubt to speak my mind and expression.

Special New Thought: I’ve Got Endorsements!

As you look at the title of the blog, I’ve Got Endorsements. Yep endorsements. Not the kind that would make you go out and get elected, nor get noticed on political platform. In my platform of staying single, I had a short talk of marriage with the person who first taught me how to read and write. I’m talking about my mother folks. I did mention to her on the Friday before Mother’s Day, about the fact that I don’t want to get married. I’ve mentioned to her about a certain blog on my MySpace page “New Thought: Stop Praying for Me to Get Married!” and this blog was in response to a woman named Linda Smith, who worked as a Chief Election Inspector for the City of Milwaukee. (Yes, Linda I’m putting you on the spot!) And by the way, I stand what I have said! But anyway, I’ve told mother about what she said, and how I felt about the whole marriage game. Guess what. I’ve picked up an endorsement from my own parent in support of my decision of not getting married! Yes, I have an endorsement! Just like Bill Richardson “endorsed” Barack Obama to be a candidate for the democratic party and maybe the Presidency.

Why I’m bring up all this? Some of you are saying “Gee, I didn’t know he’s like that”…. or “I had no idea he was that way”. Get this: “I know he looks cute, but I don’t understand why he doesn’t want to hook up.  Is he gay, or have the AIDS virus or something?” or this question or comment, “I think he doesn’t like girls. He saying this because he’s lonely.” Ignore that. First of all, this is America right? Land of the free, home of the brave? Do I have rights in this country like everyone else? Let me check. Holy Crap! I Do!

I have the basic and similar rights just like the average person liking explicit rap music.  No I’m not a homosexual nor have the AIDS virus. And I don’t want to hook up with a relationship because I choose not to. Like I didn’t choose to enlist in the Military at 18 years old. With all do respect to the Armed Forces. And for the record, I do respect the female species, thank you! I’m focused on what matters the most, is really “Me”. Welcome to the Me Generation. Me, Me, Me, Me, Me! Sorry to get a little cynical here, but this whole thing about the 70% of black women in America are single in all, and can’t find Ms. Right and having the gall of shoving this down my throat or getting into my head is down right stupid. Oh like I’m the answer man. For this, I’m not the answer man, I keep my distance and conscious in full play. I’m being real about this. My choice right?

Let it be known that this is how I feel, coming from a Single Black Man, at age 31, with no kids, living in the Midwest, attending a United Methodist Church every Sunday, driven on finding a good career, not thinking about breaking the ice, and no plans for marriage. And I know that some women (regardless of color in all) will have their shots taken at me, but like Sun Tzu said: “If you know your enemy like you know yourself, you not fear the result of a hundred battles.” I know the enemy, and I know myself. And this battle is winnable for me to claim victory. A victory in which my single-hood is still in tact. And I think no one should go to war with me on this topic.

Like 50 Cent once said “Hate it or love it”. That’s all I got to say. To end this, let add another Sun-Tzu quote:

“To fight and conquer in all your battles is not supreme excellence; supreme excellence consists in breaking the enemy’s resistance without fighting.”

Special New Thought: Focusing on Me

Now I know that you’re probably reading the title, “Focusing on Me”. What does that mean? Where does that come from? Well let me tell you. This past week, I had that same “do you have a girlfriend” question again. Oh, God! and thing is there was a why. And a simple why almost made me feel pressured. But in any event, I (yours truly) have answered the question in a respectable manner. Not leaving out any rhetoric or missing words. Why the questioning, here’s the answer: I am focusing on me, just to get me prepped up- not for dating! The whole girlfriend/relationship/marriage/ thing is not on my mind. I say that because that, well, I can! It’s my right. Look, I’m being real here. This is not an attempt to say to women back the (you know what) off me. No. Let’s just say I want to focus on what matters to me, and me only. Now you’re sitting infront of your computer reading this. I know you are. What matters to Stephen you ask? Well things like: Finding a good career, with benefits, insurance, maybe some union dues, educational plans down the road, health matters, staying intuned with the community, helping out the family, relatives and clergy, etc. – Does that make sense?

I’m not concerned falling for someone because it’s not important. It’s not my concern. It maybe a concern to those who want to get so personal on a person that they would not stop until a true answer comes out. I mostly get this from black women, no pun intended. For me, not a chance. What is my concern is what I previously described. Check it again.  I’m not going to make you say “Amen” like in church, but the point is,  it is what it is.

So hey, It’s just me doing what I got to do. No if’s ands or buts. And no B.S. I’m just taking this opportunity for myself. And I’ve been doing it for 13 years out of my 31 years. Not for my mother, not for my  Father, Not for my older Sister, Not for my church, not for Milwaukee, Not for Wisconsin, not for my friends past and present, not for my alma maters, and others. It’s all about what is best for me to stay focus on my important objectives. Let me say also that, yeah the talk about girlfriends and dating  will come up again, but I stand ready of delivering my rebuttal, or in this case response of the the reasons why I said it. When you stand ready, you have to be prepared to get the preparation in you. Once again, It’s not to throw people off, or turning the other cheek. No, No, No – like Amy Winehouse says. I made this bed, so I guess I have to lie in it.

Special New Thought: The hits just keeps on coming

“Know your enemy and know yourself and you can fight a hundred battles without disaster”.  Sun Tzu

Here we go again! The hits on me being not getting married, or interest in marriage or having a relationship for some is like a bad rash. Now, I’m not saying this to every women, but to a “select few”. Yeah. The select few who just won’t quit or flat out and die! If you read my last blog, the one about stop praying for me to get married, I think I have sent a message to some thick skulls who might be in your family, on the job, at church or just some in general. Do I have to explain myself here?! Ok here’s the story: It all began when yours truly was younger in my teen days. The days that you thought you were cool in all. And I’ve had everyone from my late grandparents to my living parents, older sibling, several church members, sister church members, neighbors and even a female Election Committee Chief Inspector asking me the same boring questions: “Why you don’t want to get married?” or “How come you don’t have a girlfriend?” “I’m going to hook you up.” Or here’s one “I’m just waiting for Stephen to get married” – in a teasable fashion. Or one time another church member said that she knew someone that was single for a long time and then came marriage. Really!

You want to know, for real? I’ll tell you. I have no interest in marriage at all. Sorry, but not for me. Look at the divorce rates! I made my own choice not to do it because, I have that right. It’s my choice. To quote Marge Simpson: “Like it or lump it”. Yeah, I said it! I’m not one of those so-called lonely types that keeps wishing day in and day out just to see if someone out there wants to get a hook up and vice versa. You see, I play “smart” by not buying into the perverbial BS of getting sucked in. Or being tagged.

One of my favorite novels I like to read is called “The Art of War” by Sun-Tzu, and it does summarizes of how to “play smart” in battle by using your brain instead of weapons. For issues like this, I don’t need to lower myself to make others feel great on this issue. Would this be degrading, a tease, or just playing mind games? I’m focused on finding a good career, good pay, having good health, playing my Saxophone upon occasion, but I don’t need a female just to make me feel like I’m on top of the world. Oh, no I don’t! When I do great things, that’s my reward of gratitude.

So, there are about 70% of black women in America (including Milwaukee) are still single. Boo hoo! I’m not the superhero. Bill Maher once said: “O like that was the cause.” But I’ll bet you that half or a third of them don’t want to get married. I’m not making this up. Go and Google it. And I’m sure they have been asked by their parents by “when are you going to settle down and give me some grandkids?” Remember that quote that my father once said “If you don’t want to get married, you don’t have too?” Remember that from my last blog? If you read it, I hope so! That should mean something. I’m sorry that I feel this way for some, but hey, I’m expressing my own thought about this. Yeah, I feel the interrogation pressure sometimes, but I don’t have to give in. I think that’s the problem coming from some women, (no matter the age, race, creed or class) of making the pressure game difficult for single men just to give it up. I don’t have time for that. I’m on much more important stuff that is bigger and better. And it matters to me. Period.

Everytime I’m confronted with this so-called issue, I feel like one of my favorite WWE Superstars, The Undertaker. We all know The Undertaker, right? The event is like Wrestlemania, and here I am putting my streak on the line against an upcoming opponent. They take their shots, but I also pull some tricks, and ended the opponent(s) with a Tombstone Piledriver, or that new Gogoplata MMA submission move. And my streak lives, and I’m still undefeated! That’s how I feel against certain types of women asking about my business of me not getting married. Are there better things to worry about, like finding a career or getting your health checked or something? If you want to walk the aisle to get married, or get the digits, that’s your choice. GodSpeed. If you are already married, same thing. You make a move that feels you, and you only. Period. However, if you want to remain single until the day you won’t exist no more, then that is your right! Remember, this is America, land of the free, home of the brave, right? A country where a person like me can express my freedoms and independence to say, “I don’t want to get married nor have a relationship because I’m not interested!” Sorry. I don’t have to be a “perverbial linkage” just for some hook up. Why follow in everyone’s path where you can blaze your own trail? That’s what I’m doing. I’m blazing my own trail.

Don’t even try to come to my domain and profess about you jabbing at me about this issue. Or saying that it’s just a fad.  If I wasn’t in a deciding mood like I am now, I would be in a relationship. Yes, I’m 31 years old, Single, living in beer capital of Milwaukee, no kids, and not thinking nor interested in marriage. Why? because I said it! I am just fine without a need for marriage and a relationship. And plus, I’m focused on me and what matters to me the most importantly! No need to hit the panic button here.

“Wars come and go, but my soldiers stay eternal” – Tupac Shakur (1971-1996)

Special New Thought: Stop praying for me to get married! – 2008

Ok, so you looked at the title and ask why? Why ask Why, as they say back in the 1990’s. It has been asked like the red plague striking human flesh. It’s has been asked before like your mother kept nagging to clean your room. This is the question I’ve been asked by some of the visitors who come ask for a hookup from some weird sites I’ve never heard of. Also from family, church members, city workers, bus passengers, even some folks in Milwaukee around asking the same proverbial question: “Why don’t want to get married?” or “How come you don’t have a girlfriend?” and many other interrogating questions from mostly women. It’s becoming a bad rash of attacking my freedoms. My freedom to be and remain single. Let’s see. I’m 31 years old, Single, Black, no kids, no plans for marriage, and nor plans to be married in a city where Beer, Harleys, and most African Americans Single Women continue to roam to find Mr. Right. I’m talking about Milwaukee, if you must know. Why the whole blocking thing? It’s my right to say and express this as possible. Haters need not apply. I don’t want to hear the phrases “Oh, the sky is falling”, “The buildings are trembling?”, “The world is shaking at a wits ends”, or “Those who arent in a relationship are going to be gay.” – WHAT?! Yeah right. That’s just hype.

As I indicated, yes I’m 31 years old, single, black, no kids, and not involved. Some of you are probably saying that “are you a player?” or here’s a good one “I can’t believe you’re single at your age!” Believe it. Yeah that’s right. No I’m not a player, nor a pimp because I don’t fit that description. Nor I don’t fit the mold of being your “typical catch”, ladies! I’ve heard this question back in High School asking “Do you like girls?” What kind of question is that I don’t understand? Scratching heads. Look, I do like women, only on a respectful level. As in being not viewed as sexual objects. Just everyday people, that’s all. Just because I look at women, doesn’t mean I’ll go over and just ask for their number or email address to hookup. Not my style. I’m too much of a Christian to go for that. My late grandfather once said “treat people as if you wanted to be treated”. Hello! Maybe some are already hooked up, I don’t know. Or some don’t want to. Don’t try to sweet talk me and try to change my mind that, “I’ll pray for you and someone will come and find you to get the hookup” type quotes.

Warning: Be careful what you pray for, because you might not get it!
This interrogation thing is not important like finding a good career out of college. Or worshiping at your local church every Sunday. Or better yet, educating our children about the real reasons for the Birds and the Bees instead of Playboys and other Porno Magazines and Videos. And I know some of the women wouldn’t do the same thing like me. I know it can be fantasizing at times, but we need a reality check!

I have cousins, aunts, uncles, and friends that got married and gave birth to children. God bless them! But, I also have cousins and aunts, uncles and friends that got divorced, and saying don’t get married! Or at least some. My older sibling who is 6 and half years older than me, is not married and also was proposed to be married in the summer of 1999. But the guy who wanted to propose to her, never got himself off the ground sort of speak. That taught me a lesson to stay single. What’s worse that the women or girls, I’ve almost encountered, between public school of the 90’s and now, were just asking WAY too much from a guy. Like the car, house, money, not living with your mother/father, and many other their turn-offs. What’s my turn off in women? Although I have respect for them, but I have to say either: “trying to trap men” and “tagging men”. You know what I’m talking about.
So the asking of marriage/relationship crap continued years later, and they still do today. And some women (regardless of age, creed, color or class – mostly black) are continuing to ask and I continue to answer by the proverbial answer of “no”. Why? It’s my right and prerogative. I choose not to do this relationship thing for me. In life, we all make choices, right? Even things like this. Just remember, like or not, I live in a country where freedoms are allowed to be expressed at times, known as the United States of America. I know I said it. And I’m expressing my freedom to remain single every day! And I have right to live my life as a Single Black Man as I see fit as long it doesn’t hurt anyone.- like my parents. If I lived in another country where I have to get married because of a arranged traditional thing, then I wouldn’t have a choice right? Like Apu marrying Manjula from The Simpsons. Freedom

I’m just doing my thing, while I’m still living and breathing in this troublesome world just like everyone else. So try to understand that I’m not interested. I don’t need a woman to make me feel good. I get that when I get paid on the job, Church, Community, or in family work. End of story! You can put the offers on the tables all you want. You can play the mind games all you want. I play mind games too. – mostly on Defense and on a thinking man’s level.

But remember this. It’s a choice thing. Not an age, or a “supposed to do at age 18 or 21” thing. That’s total BS! If you make a decision that suits you, then go with it. It’s not your mother’s decision. Nor father’s demanding choice. I don’t care what your sisters or brothers thinks. I’ll go even fuhrer it’s not what your friends, relatives, neighbors, workers, supervisors, or the church congregation thinks. It’s only your choice. I choose to pick my battles and so far, I’m winning. Just because I do things alone like go to the movies, the mall, a candidate rally, a WWE Wrestling Match, or a car show, doesn’t mean I’m lonely. I’m just fine without a relationship. No need to hit the panic button here!

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